the self-centered bitch
my dad and mom always tells me that i am the most selfish person in the family. i wouldn't deny it either, to a certain extent i am selfish. what they don't know is that i love to help others who are in actual need. i always quote that "this selfish world doesn't deserve kindness in any form" but i go and cry over a video of a girl who fights cancer, or a video of a man who is lonely, or by seeing street dogs that are abandoned. i yearn for someone to help this world get better.
i have hard time understanding myself, so when it comes to understanding others, i turn out to be insensitive. i sometimes laugh at the most cruelest thing you could ever hear/see. i cry over minute inconveniences. i get overstimulated all the time.
i end up doing/saying stupid stuff which always gets me in trouble, because of the lack of my emotional awareness. i could expect them to understand this, maybe a couple of times, not for so long. i have to work on this rather than making it an excuse for my behaviour. i do not have someone to sit and talk about it, because sometimes i don't know what i am thinking, let alone how will i make the other person unnderstand? it sounds pathetic.
it feels like living in a constant existential-crisis. it makes me feel anxious, overwhelmed, and very low.
a professor once saw my bio and asked me, "Why it says 'Nothing In Life Is Permanent?' you are just a kid, don't think about life like that, just enjoy, you've got a long life to live." well, this is what i believe in since i was 13, but, thanks to him for putting a piece into it's place.
all these feelings and actions are deeply rooted with events and scenarios from childhood and the environment i was brought up. i never had any problem with me, but, when i try to empathize with others, their responses make me doubt my capacity for empathy. i always make a mental note & choose my words beforehand whenever i speak to someone such that i do not hurt them even unintentionally. well, i can only hope to figure things out by myself and not to hurt anyone in that process.