asexual/graysexual
few events which had happened in my life made me feel this way. i am not going to be specific about the events as they are bitter. i became aware of the term asexual when i was probably in grade 10 while turning the pages in my science book. then i looked it up, read a few article, and blogs and I was like "damnn, that's how i feel". and as usual i was overthinking because what if i feel that way because i never had interaction with guys?(since i was in an all-girls school), i didn't bother thinking much about it. later in grade 11, i started noticing how i react when i hear/see sexual things; absolute disgust. then comes the confusing part—i started finding guys pleasing to the eyes; that's why i even gave a title "pleasure in the eyes"; which means finding them cute/handsome by how they look, no feelings attached. then i started reading erotica; and it was nice to read but... i didn't really find it exciting, after a certain point, i lost my shit and i took a break from reading erotica.
the idea of masturbation? don't ever get me started on it. I would like to clarify that—i am not at all against it. i—personally don't like the idea of it. i hate it, absolutely. then in grade 12, i finally started tuition for the first time ever in my 14 years of schooling—i sat alongside with guys and had minor interactions with them. did it help? no. growing up, i didn't really have any fantasies—sexually.
then comes the interesting part—university! where i actually get to talk to guys and hangout with them. i had plenty of pleasure in the eyes, just pleasing to the eyes, but never once found anyone desirable. then i saw people being very casual about their sexual habits, partners and i felt very alien to it. it took awhile for me to adapt to it. the general idea of being sexual, having sexual desires/needs is very aberrant to me, but now i feel it's okay for me to have sexual desires.
it is because of that one person who assured me that it's okay to feel this way and i have enough time to figure things out. i wouldn't call myself an asexual now, maybe sex-positive/neutral/curious. i am learning to feel that it's normal have sexual desires.